Heart bruised but not broken

I’m not talking weather reports here. I’m talking about the fact that in the space of 24 hours, I’ve gone from fear, to peace, joy to sadness.

I want people to know that. Especially those that see only the joy and peace. I want them to know that if they stick around for long enough (not even that long really) and they’d see and hear something else. I.e. The fear and sadness parts.

I want my life to change, to reflect who I really am. My marriage, truth be told didn’t in so many ways. I numbed my anger, my resentment and in the process my passion and creativity took leave also. I read somewhere recently that how you do one thing is how you do everything.

I don’t know if that’s entirely true, but I’m seeing this numbness pretty much more and more when I care to look around. So many great things have miraculously opened up in these past months because in stopping to look around I’ve also seen amazing things, amazing people.

So now I see every more clearly the disparity between what I want and what I have. When you numb passion and creativity, the deal is this.. You end up kidding yourself that life is good and you should be grateful for what you have. That in itself is not a lie. But you’re kidding yourself cos deep down you have no idea what that actually means. Or should I say, what that truthfully feels like.

A screaming baby (normally) gets what it wants. S/he may sound annoying but they get what they want. And if her/his tired, weary parents care- despite the annoyance, baby gets what baby wants.

My heart is that screaming baby right now. She’s been woken up, had a taste of what she wants and is now screaming for more. But I’m screaming back at her with fear. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEED YOU! I’M SCARED BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!

I’m scared and sad because she lucked out with this parent.. I’ve locked her away, but in the nicest and securest of cages. In my ignorance I feel as though by playing safe, sensible, then I am taking care of her. But she’ll die anyway.

And I can’t blame a soon to be ex husband or anyone else for that. I can’t pretend that it’s complicated, confusing anymore either. That’s just buying time. She just needs feeding. If what I give her, she keeps spitting out, then I do something else, try a different way. I just have to listen because actually she doesn’t scream at all. She whispers because she is the true parent. She, in her infinite wisdom knows that screaming will scare me even more. She knows if she unlocked herself out of this lovely cage, showed me all she contained, all our potential – it would just be too much. Too soon.

So she whispers. That’s enough to send me in a tail spin, then marvel at how good it feels to feel.

Fear. Peace. Joy. Sadness. Four seasons in one day.